Let the Holidays Begin

The hidden sorrow among the cheer

is what is going to haunt me this year

the pain within the smile of joy

is just another holiday ploy

I will dance with happiness

I will live with a sense of peace

I will pretend to not be less 

I will pretend my spirit is not deceased 

But in pretending I will find my hope

And in pretending I will be anew 

with this cheery happiness I will elope 

and beautiful joy will be my new hue 

So let the spirit of Christmas wash over me

this year I will give in 

to this thing people want me to see 

and so let the holidays begin 

Someone

My hands shake as tears drench my skin
I look out, searching for an unknown thing
maybe looking for where happiness turned to sin
and what penetrated my once joyful way of thinking

I want to collapse, I need to fall
no longer can I carry myself
this burden I cannot haul
so please restore my health

Give me someone to walk beside
to hold me when I fall under the flames
that from them I won't have to hide
and with me they will bear my pains

If I am going to stand any longer
I need that person to make me stronger

Have I Won?

And finally I am free at last

free from the pain of the past 

the pain that reaped my heart 

and everyday tore me apart

As if someone gave me life again

and I no longer have to pretend 

so sweet with a hint of refreshment 

and not a daunting feeling of discontentment 

I am free am I not?
but I can still feel my heart clot
there is something blocking hope
an I am unsure if I can cope

Yes I won in the monstrous fight
but I am still not sure if I am alright 

An Ideal

What am I holding onto?
is it not just a false ideal that will collapse
a situation in which there is nothing I can do
should I let go before I relapse

I dream all day and night
that I am a person of good
but I walk around full of spite
and assuming I am just misunderstood

How am I putting myself with the best
fostering the egotism that brings pride
but this person I am, I detest
and about my goodness I have lied

I say to myself I deserve this ideal
but as I open my eyes I begin to see
that perhaps it was not real
and I deceived myself in who I wanted to be

As if opening my eyes after a long sleep
my mind began to realize this was wrong
and everything starts to make sense as I weep
knowing that I chased this false ideal for so long

I awaken to know my mind is beautiful
and my heart is sound and full of light
the good in me is plentiful
and my soul full of delight

It was not I who was wrong
but this ideal I chased for so long

Inside

The pure raw strength drew out from me

in the most vile of ways 

a scream came out and was only the key

to a string of disasters that would cause dismay

The scream fostered into strength 

and as I raised my fist ready for fight

I realized this would cause pain of more length

and so I stowed away to the darkest night 

The thought wrenched my mind with terrible might

that I was willing to hurt someone out of anger

and my mind convinced me I was not worthy of light

it was my shame that created a closed chamber

And so I convinced myself I was a monster

one that would make the world fear

and that for this there was no cure 

everyday I could see my faults in the mirror

In this chamber of my mind I hide

hoping that no one will see my monster inside 

The Song of Night

The white glow spreads upon the ground
while rest of the forest was wearing a dark gown
the moon was creating a sense of bliss
but night showed vengeance, like a dark kiss

Eerie sounds filled the forests ears
the mourning of fallen leaves and dreadful cries
they have been building over the years
but this full moon they make a rise

The wind starts the song
as if the conductor of a symphony
others join after not very long
and it is as beautiful as can be

The leaves swirl with the wind
and owls screech with the voice of banshees
it sounds as awful and desirable as the sinned
and the critters create various keys

This is the song of darkness
so natural yet rarely heard
like a snakes viscous hiss
and by the stroke of day is cured

Heavy Eyes

My eyes feel heavy, heavy with pain

begging to shut, to close and to see no more

because everything around seems insane 

and keeping them open is something of a chore

The rest that comes with closed eyes 

is what my body truly needs 

the world I see I slowly despise 

a painful wake, and my energy bleeds

Rest, oh how sweet that sounds

to not be bombarded by the pain of life

In this painful curse I am constantly bound

the tiredness and pain cuts me like a knife

And so in patience I lay 

and will wait for the day 

when the pain disappears 

and tiredness is not in my fears 

The Ballerina

I bow my head as my foot brushes the floor

a gentle stroke of the piano and my soul takes off

I close my eyes and let my heart guide my steps

as the pace quickens so does my joy 

A smile emerges from my face 

a simple turn, a simple dip and a simple prance

and even among the mirrors upon my stature I do not glance

I let my heart carry my steps with the delicacy of lace

The music then takes a dark tone 

the feeling of being lost and alone 

a tear runs down my face and splashes on the wood 

and I danced as if my soul never again could

The piano plays it's last key 

the dance has ended with a gentle glide

I fall to my knee 

knowing this dance I will hide

Because it is not a dance of body

but a dance of soul and dreams

Winter

The soft wind caresses my face 

As I feel myself fall under your embrace

and with beauty comes the winter snow

and I never want to let go 

I will ask myself again and again 

if this is just a dream, something of pretend 

but as I feel the snow drift upon my face

I know this is real, a moment that will not be replaced 

The coldness then touches me like the dark

and I'm afraid that from me you will part

but as you hold my hand and pull me in

I feel my inevitable fate start to begin

I understand that I will not be alone 

and a full heart I now own  

and as the winter brings darkness and cold

I will have nothing to fear, but someone to hold 

Death

Does it not sound so sweet?
like a wave of freedom engulfing your being
a very beautiful end that all will meet
so what is the problem I am not seeing?

To be rid of all problems and pains
even if there is nothing after
just a single act, even if in vain
and all in all will it really matter?

If I stay for a short time then I go
just like the elegant winter snow
the simplicity of experience for short time
and living without wanting to rewind

Although the choice seems evident and clear
there are so many things wrong it would appear
those few words that a make this ideal repulsive
purpose and love, so to this earth for now I will stay near

To Disappear

All I would like is to disappear
not because I am in pain, or am discontent
but because I cannot last another year
and wish I had used my time better spent

I would like some time
some time to do what pleases myself
a place that I can call mine
where happiness is my wealth

Ah the joy that would amount from such a luxury
being able to do what please me most
just for a while all my sorrows I could bury
and along a sea of contentedness I would coast

Maybe that day will come, but not soon
and perhaps it will last longer than an afternoon
perhaps in time I will get my time of peace
but for now I will find happiness in the little things at least

Silence

They say that actions speak louder than words

while this may be true there is something that trumps all

silence, silence speaks and acts without speaking or acting

it is the strongest voice, yet cannot be heard 

It is when a person makes the conscious decision

to be silent, and the decision to listen

this is when words are spoken without sound 

and the mind is left with a new knowledge found

The mind responds with a sense of purity
this silence evokes the thoughts that we have buried
it sends out all feelings of being hurried
and enhances the gift of maturity

Let silence be your words 

And Love

I guess I'm afraid
afraid of love
afraid someone will see of what I'm made
and they will seek someone above

I fear giving my heart away
even if they mean the world
because no one has ever stayed
and with despair my heart has always swirled

So many have left, rejected and have not loved
how am I now expected to not fear
not to cower when an opportunity has appeared
and how am I supposed to expect to be loved?

I have been told I am not worthy of such a gift
and I'm supposed to expect my spirits it will lift
no, I am not ready, and when and if I will is a mystery
that only in time I will be able to see

The Bittersweet

There is something bittersweet about having your heart break
while there is pain and distress and a feeling of utter despair
there is a sense of reassurance that this can create
knowing that you still could care

Once again I trusted and was deceived
and this burden I now must heave
But I am glad there is something left to hurt
that someone could make me feel, even if my heart you did desert

I thought there was nothing left of me
an empty shell left to act to the worlds desires
but there was someone who could for time make me see
that I had much more potential for a person I could be

I know the time was short spent
and that too much of my heart I lent
but I am thankful for what you gave me
because for once I could feel and perceive

Trust

What is this concept of trust?
is it not just a false hope
something that will be obliterated and destroyed
a pure thing that in the end leads to disgust

People fail, concepts fail, overall everything fails us
whether it is in the beginning or if it takes time
it will hit us like a huge wind gust
and leave us defined

We will be defined by what we put our trust in
what made us fail in the end
and no matter what, even if we win
we will be left for our opinions to defend

Asked,"why would you trust?"
and we must answer this while left in our own rust
we will be questioned about who we are
while we ourselves are still analyzing the scar

You can choose to trust and to hope,
but I warn you it will only end with a slashed throat

The Unknown Killer

The death of each of us is not a physical one

it is the one that strikes us each day without notice

it sits there with barely any acknowledgment 

yet makes an impact that kills us before our physical death has begun 

It fosters the things that make us weak 

constantly pulling at the things we try to hide

resurfacing our worst nightmares leaving us meek

and under its control, to it's rules we must abide

This is fear I speak of 

not the things we claim to be fear

not heights or drowning in the depths of the sea

but the fears that matter, like a life without love

The fears that reap our hearts of confidence

the ones that are so torturous we must shelter away

the ones that no matter how much we ponder, never make sense

and the ones that make our true selves die each day

They are not created with time

they have been planted on each of our souls

a burden to carry for our lives

the lack of balance on a tight rope, and our lives are the line

It is fear that keeps us from our goals

it is fear that makes us lose control 

it is fear that keeps us from our dreams

and it is fear that tears us at the seams

What Has Become of My Heart

In my world there are only two types of love,
the kind of love that is so deep and intense that nothing can tear it apart
and the kind of love that is so twisted and cruel it only tears apart
sadly in my world the later is the one that rules above

I have spent my time obsessing over finding the rest of my soul
searching without directions, lost, with no control
I stumble, I fall each day
and watch many walk away

There has only been one that I can recall
that has made me feel the love that cannot be torn
and many many loves that rip my soul a little more,
making my spirit and hope once again fall

It is that one, that has saved me time and time again
while the twisted loves are all just full of pretend
although there have been some genuine and true
they do not try to make my heart anew

They may be there for a month, a day, a year
trying to fix what is left of my fragile state
but after time they give up like all the rest
and I am left to shed another tear

Does this one make it worth all the pain?
does the momentary happiness give enough gain?
For the time being yes, I believe it is so
and now for the one, I beg you please do not go

The Waves

The waves sneak up to the shore
as if wanting to engulf it but not quite sure
they whisper in the softest way
asking for the sun to stay

But as the sun departs it sends an array of light
saying, "I will be here after night"
it stays in view as long as it can
for just one last look at the waves and the sand

Then night rises swiftly and carries the wind
it brings up the moon for a light that is just dimmed
the waves start to roar in fright
so, so scared of the night

They scream and cry,
"light please come back and fill the sky!"
they crash onto the beach in despair
and the water grows colder from the night air

It seems to last forever this lack of light
and the sun has abandoned them and is out of sight
the waves know this story very well
soon time will tell

The night will end and the day will draw near
but the waves will always remember that nightly fear

Our Youth

We keep telling them what they want to hear
so that we can hide and shield them from fear
we hide them from truth
and sadly this is our youth

We say no pain no gain
but give them false hope to regain
that sense of freedom a painless life
but without pain there is no strife

Nothing to teach how to live
so everything we just give
nothing to earn, nothing to fight for
so they come back just wanting more

Not knowing what's holding them down
so they turn to drugs, sex, alcohol to take away the frown
they get addicted, they get high
never knowing wrong from right

Because they never had someone to say
you have to fail some days
you have to get back up when you fall
and no matter how hard it may be, stand up tall

There is no such thing as trying
this information I'm not buying
if you have ever tried with all your might
you will know you can win any fight

And if you're fighting for good
you will always be misunderstood
but just keep fighting
because our world you are uniting

Don't fall down to world and their demands
because they will never understand
who you are truly meant to be
truth is that's society

So go be different and make a statement
make them fall down on the pavement
because they know that our worlds youth
is beginning to learn the truth

A Memory

I can feel it pulling at my heart

just begging for me 

it is tearing me apart

and I am the only one who can see

Why it is calling

what it wants

as I listen I am falling

and my mind it taunts 

The one thing that made a change

is now making my life feel deranged 

it screams in the night 

and I say it will be alright

But it's not and I know

there is no use trying to let go

it has captured my mind and being

and has created this feeling

It once was just with my memories 

a simple thing of the past 

as if it was just one of the many stories

that come and leave my mind so fast

Now it has become real 

and I cannot put it back

this feeling is terribly surreal 

and my heart it has attacked 

Dependence

There are countless things we depend our life upon
Hoping that in time they will make us strong
The possessions over which we obsess
Just to throw them in a pile with the rest

Once we see that they do no good
We use an excuse of being misunderstood
We say that no one understands our pain
And accuse ourselves of being less sane

Just because we realized that these objects do us no good
And we turn it into more of a crisis than we should
Only after time and careful thought
Do we realize we were looking at the wrong lot

It is values and people that we should base our lives upon
Because if chosen well, those will never be gone
Do not try to gain possessions in hope of being fulfilled
Only do what is right and use properly your free will

To Rush It All

It was a dream pursued too fast

a motivation that was too good to last 

simply a hope for something that could not be achieved 

a magic trick that disappeared through the sleeve 

It was not that it was disasterous 

or that it had no chance to work

I was too spontaneous 

and took one too many a look 

I rushed it all without thought

and immediacy I sought 

now it is gone 

like a sappy love song

I wish I could take it all back

but my actions have struck me like a heart attack 

I cannot change what has been done

Once again I have not won 

A faint part of it still lives

and I hope it forgives

the speed I took 

without a single look 

Go back?

I look at myself now with pride

but I wonder if I deserve to 

my faults are minimal why should I hide

but could it be that my fear of vanity is coming true?

I am new person from who I was a years past

but it seems that maybe I am judging too fast

is this new person better than the one before

Or even more cruel and sore

This new person feels less pain and guilt

While the old one could feel the sorrows of others

This new person has so many walls built 

While the old one never hid under the covers

Yes I feel less pain

And I got rid of those who made me less sane

However I can feel something is not right

Have I lost that inner spark, that touch of light?

The love that other praised me for

The generosity that was not forced

I am feeling more and more

That I am currently taking the wrong course

Maybe it is not bad to feel pain

And perhaps shielding myself is not a gain

Should I go back to my old being

And be one of great feeling?

Let Go, Show and Then Begin

It's that trust that forms
the words that mean so much
when you can feel your heart warm
and that reassurance of touch

It's the letting go
of all your fears and doubts
it is when you are trying to show
what love is all about

Showing the bruises and the scars
that you kept in your heart,
the dreams that make you reach for the stars
and knowing it is the best place to start

Leaving behind all the shame
giving your whole self, not just a part
and knowing it will never be the same
because now they have a piece of your heart

That is when it can begin
without holding anything back
you have given all your beauty and sin
and now there is nothing to lack

Nothing

A lacking of feeling
struck and shot down
with no pain I am dealing
and my heart makes no sound

Not happiness or distress
there is nothing
no emotion no rest
not a single emotion can I bring

Nothing is left but the shell of my being
I am trapped yet feel no fear
and nothing has meaning
is this the end coming near?

But wait, there is one thing left
there is one thing that can make me feel
so give me the chance before I regret
this seems to be the only thing real

Come closer, help me feel again
you are the only one who can save me
and I growing weary from pretend
please just help me see

I Will Get Up

A sudden hope has struck my world
a joy that makes everything seem right
and for once chaos is not being swirled
this hope has lightened my darkest night

Clarity has washed over me
happiness has engulfed my being
and every moment it gets easier to see
there is this want for feeling

The darkness has passed
the days of despair are no more
and I am free at last
gone is the pain that I once bore

While I know that pain will strike again
I now have the ability to fight
so I won't have to pretend
that everything is alright

I will be able to get up next time I fall
I have found something that I can never loose
and now I shall stand up tall
I will wipe off the dirt and tend the bruises

I Fall

The soft wind whispers in my ears
the coolness of the night strokes my face
and the darkness wipes away my tears
while an empty void becomes of this space

My mind tosses and turns
it tries to create sense
but this ever daunting thought burns
this trouble is too emmence

The life I had planned
the one that I want to live
it seems fate has banned
and is reluctant to give

I fall to the ground
with not just my body but my soul
there is spinning all around
and I am starting to loose control

I am hopeless, I am weak
there is nothing to bring light now
so courage I must seek
before I forget how

In Time

Just one more day
Just one more time
it is a lie I continue to say
because I know that in time it will not be mine

Just another touch
Just another word
although it is becoming too much
and keeping this up seems absurd

I wish and I dream
I hope and I pray
but nothing changes it seems
so now in desolation I lay

Why not now?
why cant this be
is there some way please tell me how
I only wish I could see

But yet it is wrong
and nothing is right
forever seems so long
like a never ending night

But I must leave
I must end this now
because this is becoming too heavy to heave
and I will now take a bow

I am sorry, that you know
I wish it could be
but I am afraid now I must go
and in time we will see

Darkness

We hide, we cower
we shield ourselves and pray
so that our light, darkness may not devour
and in fear we lay

But truth be told the darkness is a part of us
waiting to be acknowledged
waiting to be accepted, waiting for that trust
but instead of falling into a great pool of clarity we hang on the edge

For it is darkness that makes the light seem brighter
it is darkness that gives understanding
and sometimes with a bit of darkness the load can seem lighter
it is not pleading, it is not demanding

It is a part of each of us, something we must carry
we all have it, some more than others
and at times although it can bring fear and it can be scary
we must remember we cannot hide under the covers

The sooner we see it as a gift
the sooner we allow it to help us thrive
our humanity it will lift
it will help us grow and survive

Do not fear this part of yourself
do not hide it away
for it will bring great use one day

The Light

That light, the slight glimmer of hope
the one that appears every time you trust
the one that make you feel as if you can float
the love that feels like it could not rust

But then it does, something happens and it fades
the light, the one that had you holding on
and it turns out it was just another one of life's charades
suddenly everything feels wrong

The desire is still there and it won't leave
the love remains
so now instead of light it is the burden of darkness you must heave
and you feel so little like the sands simple grains

It happens again and again
am I not good enough
why can't my heart someone mend?
why is this so tough?

Will I always be the one who loves but will never be loved?
oh I wish this is not true
but to side I am shoved
and there is nothing I can do

This Life is Mine

What are these talents I possess

what use are they for the world today

because I get the feeling they mean less and less

what more should I say

The gift of art, speech and word 

now these seem absurd

as a child they meant so much

but not now they are only worth a small bunch

I am told to disregard these gifts

to let them fade 

because my intelligence it does not lift

being able to draw does not make a business made

It does not matter if my creativity is my dream

or if it is my desire

because in the end what does it mean

they say in the end it will only make me tire

they say I have no chance to make it into that world

the world of the greats, the ones who society they have swirled 

they tell me to give up now and focus on the things that will "sustain" me in time

but this life is mine

I will take my chance, if I fall then I fall 

and I will get back up and stand up tall 

I will go the way that my heart desires

not the way the world conspires

They can wish whatever they please for me

but that will not come about they will see

sorry world, I am going my own way, my own path

and I guess we will see the after-math 

With Me

I turn my back and it is gone
yet I can still feel it holding on
I turn the lights off and it's there
just waiting to sit and stare

I can feel it behind me and all around me
this, this thing that never seems to go
why won't it leave!?
why did it choose me to which its presence must overflow?

I see it in whisps like something of a dream
although strangely I never want to scream
I feel it and I know it is there just waiting
and yet it is not the thing that I am hating

It is there and it almost never leaves
it is there and it seems to calm and bring me ease
am I just as bad as this thing?
why not fear and tremble it bring?

Have I grown so cold this monster I befriend?
could this be it, my heartless end
the proof that there is nothing there
not any love, not any care?

This monster it is with me
its shadow I see
it brings me comfort for my heart
although the coldness has already began to start

I will not be alone

What is this I feel?
No wants, no desire
this is to good to be real
could this be something of conspire?

The hole that I felt is gone
the one that has been there for so long
it is filled yet nothing has changed
not a person nor gained so this seems so strange

I no longer feel alone
yet I am the same as before
it is as if now truly I am home
so what has opened this magnificent door?

What has caused this sudden breaking of fear?
I do not think anything has changed here
no, no nothing has changed around me
and yet there is a new happiness I see

Could it be that my heart has changed?
that suddenly I have all I need to be full
but this thought seems so deranged
and yet I am in an amazing lull

It must be an internal understanding
a knowing that I will not be left alone standing
I will not be alone
because something inside has grown

My New Dream

Today I found myself without a dream
nothing to base my goals on
nothing to make my life be content to the extreme
this is something that I find is very wrong

what is life without dreams and goals?
as I sit here thinking I can feel all the empty holes
so now I must make a new dream to make myself stronger
one that will make my heart last longer

With each day I feel my heart die
a lack of emotion and energy, there is not a single ounce of care
and here without a dream and a heart I lie
so now I will make a new dream, or should I dare?

Yes I shall dare
How about I start to care
I will show courage and not fright
and I will show my love even in the darkest night

I will be the one who people look at and say
what a beautiful person like a sunshine ray
I will not be scared of shame
and remember that the only way things can get worse is if they stay the same

This is my new dream