The Cycle of the Past

And right now I am somewhere between wanting to die and searching for love
And no matter how I try I can't find the right time or a strike from above
And some days you will find me staring over the edge trying to fall
And some days you will find me amidst the roses and under the sun as if time was in a stall

But I can't decide which one I want more
Or which one would be less of a chore
But I know one of the two would save me once and for all
Or do the opposite and turn me into a lifeless doll

I don't know if love will be able to save me before I decide my fate
But if this is all I can find from this life it might already be too late
I can't seem to find the balance between chaos and sweet dreams
But both options seem like impractical extremes

To search for love and put my sanity on the line
To stop what we call living and try to reach something more divine
But both could solve this delusional state
But at this time I am not willing to negotiate

So I am at a standstill and wondering what to do
Could there be another option, something else I could pursue?
I do not know today, and tomorrow may be the same
I want to know soon before I try to start this game