An Ideal

What am I holding onto?
is it not just a false ideal that will collapse
a situation in which there is nothing I can do
should I let go before I relapse

I dream all day and night
that I am a person of good
but I walk around full of spite
and assuming I am just misunderstood

How am I putting myself with the best
fostering the egotism that brings pride
but this person I am, I detest
and about my goodness I have lied

I say to myself I deserve this ideal
but as I open my eyes I begin to see
that perhaps it was not real
and I deceived myself in who I wanted to be

As if opening my eyes after a long sleep
my mind began to realize this was wrong
and everything starts to make sense as I weep
knowing that I chased this false ideal for so long

I awaken to know my mind is beautiful
and my heart is sound and full of light
the good in me is plentiful
and my soul full of delight

It was not I who was wrong
but this ideal I chased for so long

Inside

The pure raw strength drew out from me

in the most vile of ways 

a scream came out and was only the key

to a string of disasters that would cause dismay

The scream fostered into strength 

and as I raised my fist ready for fight

I realized this would cause pain of more length

and so I stowed away to the darkest night 

The thought wrenched my mind with terrible might

that I was willing to hurt someone out of anger

and my mind convinced me I was not worthy of light

it was my shame that created a closed chamber

And so I convinced myself I was a monster

one that would make the world fear

and that for this there was no cure 

everyday I could see my faults in the mirror

In this chamber of my mind I hide

hoping that no one will see my monster inside 

The Song of Night

The white glow spreads upon the ground
while rest of the forest was wearing a dark gown
the moon was creating a sense of bliss
but night showed vengeance, like a dark kiss

Eerie sounds filled the forests ears
the mourning of fallen leaves and dreadful cries
they have been building over the years
but this full moon they make a rise

The wind starts the song
as if the conductor of a symphony
others join after not very long
and it is as beautiful as can be

The leaves swirl with the wind
and owls screech with the voice of banshees
it sounds as awful and desirable as the sinned
and the critters create various keys

This is the song of darkness
so natural yet rarely heard
like a snakes viscous hiss
and by the stroke of day is cured

Heavy Eyes

My eyes feel heavy, heavy with pain

begging to shut, to close and to see no more

because everything around seems insane 

and keeping them open is something of a chore

The rest that comes with closed eyes 

is what my body truly needs 

the world I see I slowly despise 

a painful wake, and my energy bleeds

Rest, oh how sweet that sounds

to not be bombarded by the pain of life

In this painful curse I am constantly bound

the tiredness and pain cuts me like a knife

And so in patience I lay 

and will wait for the day 

when the pain disappears 

and tiredness is not in my fears 

The Ballerina

I bow my head as my foot brushes the floor

a gentle stroke of the piano and my soul takes off

I close my eyes and let my heart guide my steps

as the pace quickens so does my joy 

A smile emerges from my face 

a simple turn, a simple dip and a simple prance

and even among the mirrors upon my stature I do not glance

I let my heart carry my steps with the delicacy of lace

The music then takes a dark tone 

the feeling of being lost and alone 

a tear runs down my face and splashes on the wood 

and I danced as if my soul never again could

The piano plays it's last key 

the dance has ended with a gentle glide

I fall to my knee 

knowing this dance I will hide

Because it is not a dance of body

but a dance of soul and dreams

Winter

The soft wind caresses my face 

As I feel myself fall under your embrace

and with beauty comes the winter snow

and I never want to let go 

I will ask myself again and again 

if this is just a dream, something of pretend 

but as I feel the snow drift upon my face

I know this is real, a moment that will not be replaced 

The coldness then touches me like the dark

and I'm afraid that from me you will part

but as you hold my hand and pull me in

I feel my inevitable fate start to begin

I understand that I will not be alone 

and a full heart I now own  

and as the winter brings darkness and cold

I will have nothing to fear, but someone to hold 

Death

Does it not sound so sweet?
like a wave of freedom engulfing your being
a very beautiful end that all will meet
so what is the problem I am not seeing?

To be rid of all problems and pains
even if there is nothing after
just a single act, even if in vain
and all in all will it really matter?

If I stay for a short time then I go
just like the elegant winter snow
the simplicity of experience for short time
and living without wanting to rewind

Although the choice seems evident and clear
there are so many things wrong it would appear
those few words that a make this ideal repulsive
purpose and love, so to this earth for now I will stay near

To Disappear

All I would like is to disappear
not because I am in pain, or am discontent
but because I cannot last another year
and wish I had used my time better spent

I would like some time
some time to do what pleases myself
a place that I can call mine
where happiness is my wealth

Ah the joy that would amount from such a luxury
being able to do what please me most
just for a while all my sorrows I could bury
and along a sea of contentedness I would coast

Maybe that day will come, but not soon
and perhaps it will last longer than an afternoon
perhaps in time I will get my time of peace
but for now I will find happiness in the little things at least

Silence

They say that actions speak louder than words

while this may be true there is something that trumps all

silence, silence speaks and acts without speaking or acting

it is the strongest voice, yet cannot be heard 

It is when a person makes the conscious decision

to be silent, and the decision to listen

this is when words are spoken without sound 

and the mind is left with a new knowledge found

The mind responds with a sense of purity
this silence evokes the thoughts that we have buried
it sends out all feelings of being hurried
and enhances the gift of maturity

Let silence be your words 

And Love

I guess I'm afraid
afraid of love
afraid someone will see of what I'm made
and they will seek someone above

I fear giving my heart away
even if they mean the world
because no one has ever stayed
and with despair my heart has always swirled

So many have left, rejected and have not loved
how am I now expected to not fear
not to cower when an opportunity has appeared
and how am I supposed to expect to be loved?

I have been told I am not worthy of such a gift
and I'm supposed to expect my spirits it will lift
no, I am not ready, and when and if I will is a mystery
that only in time I will be able to see